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Monday, 19 November 2018

Distraction Technique - Smile and Pretend You Don't Have a Migraine

It's been 6 months since my diagnoses.

8 months since I've worked at home in solitude.

16 months since daily symptoms began.

It has been the shittiest year ever. The end of my 30s has been epic in such a lonely, sad, deflating, and defeating way.

I don't even feel sorry for myself. I just feel spent and done. Forgotten and left at the side of the road.

That's what happens when you have severe Chronic Vestibular Migraines.

Sure, I can turn on my game face - I've done it all of my life. Look cheery on the outside, and feel utter despair on the inside.

I cry most days.

I lost my Unicorn.

Any jab taken at me verbally, I take to heart and it just eats away at me - even if it's not meant to be harmful.

I'm tired of feeling so utterly alone and sad all the time.

I've asked my general doctor and even Neurologist # 1 (twice!) for anti depressants. I've gotten nowhere. and I just need some help.

Anyone close to me is or has lost patience.

How can I explain how I physically feel to someone when they haven't experienced it? Lived it? Breathed it in every breath?

I barely hear from my friends  - even with a text or a message. One or two people actually seem to give me hope that I'm not alone and forgotten.

I don't really blame people. I'm not really fun for me to hang out with. I don't socialize enough to know what to say, I have so little drive to go anywhere, and I'm just not a happy person anymore.

This disease is winning, and I don't want it to. I just mentally cannot do it alone anymore.

The headaches are SO much better...but the vestibular issues still remain quite intact.

My VEstibular Neurologist suspects the medicine I'm on for the "headache" part is causing the depression (yup - she also denied me antidepressants), and I'm just holding out to see my "Headache" Neurologist this Friday.

I can't leave without a prescription for some sort of "happy," pill so I can get back on track.

Outside of Husband, I don't have a best friend, or a friend I would think would just talk with me, listen...and Husband is at his wits end.

I don't blame him either. I have no interest in anything (I don't know why). He is also depressed and so without me being positive Polly most of the time, it's just draining.

Migraines are just the root of all evil.

I did go into the office the first time this month - for a half day. Two anti-migraine Triptans, half my face being numb, and feeling nauseous half the time, I made it until lunch - my goal.

I received several hugs, chatted with people. Even happy people!  It was nice to see humans.

I also saw a few people actively avoid me - ones I used to chat with regularly and spent enough time with in the past, that it slighted me a bit.

...I've been crying non stop for about an hour now. I just can't stop. I just need to get my thoughts out. I just wish I had a friend who understood what I'm going through - or tried to understand. I am just so tired of feeling like I'm going through this all alone.

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